But, I'm not in the mood, anymore. It doesn't take much to change my mood, I guess. -sigh-
So, here are the updates on Opal: Robin made her a new set of wings, but she's still selling her to me at a slight discount. She's even including a free copy of her wing tutorial (though, not the same type of wings that Opal has.) I'm getting Opal, the Customizer's Bible and the Wing tutorial book for $50. Really, not bad. (This had me in a good mood.)
As you can see, she looks much better. (Robin even added glitter to her wings, this time.)
However, it's dawned on me that I'm so very poor. I hate being poor. My family--while not poor, strictly--is shit at managing their finances, so they might as well be poor. I can't seem to get ahead. I'm always behind, always late, always in debt. Up to my eyeballs. And, this being the case, I really shouldn't spend the money for Opal, but I so very rarely spend any money on something nice for myself...I feel that I deserve it. A little.
Speaking of my parents, I'm angry and hurt. It happens once or twice a year. I manage to forget it, most other times. So, my little sister has always gotten every little thing she's ever wanted. She got a car before me. (She actually drives. Mom didn't fuck up with her like she did with me.) She got a laptop from them. A palm pilot. An iPod. A digital camera. (This is accumulated stuff. Not just from this Christmas.)
What have I gotten? A quilt, some shams and some blankets. (This Christmas' presents.) Oh. And, one of my 'presents' for Christmas was a doll that I won't even get until after Mom passes. Yeah. I'm not a doll collector. I'd much rather have the digital camera Mom promised me. But, since I'm not there, I don't GET one. She doesn't have to look at me, so she can ignore whatever guilt she might feel... Or, drown it out with all the goddamned dolls she buys on fucking eBay.
I asked her, this year.
I said, "Mama, you're gonna get me the digital camera; right?"
"Oh, yes, baby. I promise."
"Yes, yes, I promise. It's just that Dad and I have to come up with a payment for blahblahblah, first."
"...Oh. Ok. I understand, Mama."
"But, I promise I'll get you a digital camera."
But, you know what, Secret? She won't. She'll forget all about it.
Or, if she does actually take any actions on getting one... She'll have Dad look at his 'insider' websites, trying to find a really 'good deal.' (Which means, buy Wyn the cheapest fucking camera possible.) And, if they even got one, it'd be like all the OTHER stuff they've gotten me. It'll be missing a part, or won't work right out of the box. Or, it'll be fucking impossible to use, because it comes with no instruction manual. Or, it'll die two weeks after I get it.
Yeah. Dad and his 'deals.' Mom and her dolls. Hillary and her getting-everything-she-wants.
Wyn and her debt.
I'm so tired of feeling jealous. Why can't I be like those poor people who never actually want anything? Why can't I be a good person like that? Why can't I just be grateful that I have a loving family?
---And, the thing that triggered this lovely downswing into black despair? Well, the pictures that Robin took of Opal were so nice. I asked her what kind of camera she used, because I was hoping to get one, soon. I did some looking on eBay and found one of a similar model that wasn't as expensive as hers. (Click here to go to good ol' eBay and take a peek.) But, of course, I can't afford it. I can't afford anything. -sigh- I'm so tired of not being able to buy things. I'm sick of never having anything nice or new.
I hate this.
I sincerely hope life gets easier than this.